“Just tell me what to do.”

I hear it all the time from clients. People want me to just tell them what to do.

Unfortunately, I was trained that is not very good therapy. However, as we all learn in life, often times there is a stark difference between how we are trained (especially in formal education) and what needs to be done in the real world.

However, after about 10 years of social service, educational, and therapy professional experience—I have generally found that telling clients what to do is actually usually not the effective approach. Here are ten reasons why telling you what to do is not going to work very well:

1.  You probably would not do it.  For instance if I tell you how to budget your money, will you do exactly as I say? What if instead we talk about your particular goals for money, your history with money, and your future hopes with money. Then I send you home to think about it and to contemplate ways to manage money… What is better telling you what to do or taking the time to explore it in depth, enabling you to discover your own way forward? You deciding what is best to do for you- is going to actually work. 

2.  Just telling you what to do goes against the idea of informed consent which is key to therapy. Informed consent is the idea that as your therapist I give you as much information as possible so you can consent or decline to elements in therapy. If we do not thoroughly explore options and let you decide, then it is not really therapy—it is dictatorship. 

3.  This point builds off point two. You deserve to have choices. Me, as your therapist, insisting that you take a particular approach or solution removes your right to choose. For me, freedom to choose is very important to adult living.

4.  It is in your best interest that you learn ‘meta-skills’ for solving your own problems. Meta skills are basically ways to learn to think about how you think. I want to work myself out of a job. I do not want you to need to consult with me on every issue. You can discover general ways of thinking and apply them to a diverse set of problems when therapy is effective.

5.  Telling you what to do, gives the therapist too much power. It is not fair to you for me to just dictate to you ‘the one true best way’ to solve issues.

6.  You better understand the nuances of your dilemmas and personal situations. There is only so much that we can cover in sessions. There may be other facts, influences, and situations that arise or we did not have time to cover. You are the expert of your life. I am just a consultant. Sometimes you need time to reflect. If I tell you what to do, then I am likely not considering the whole picture in the way that you can.

7.  Ideally, someday you can go do something fun instead of spending time and money on therapy. Ideally, you will outgrow the need to meet with me regularly, because you will not be dependent on me telling you what to do. This can be a long and slow process. If I teach you how to fish, then that is better than giving you a fish (cliché, I know- sorry.)

8.  The “experts” say not to tell you what to do. Sometimes experts are not always right,

but generally it is best to listen to the insights of pioneers and leaders in the field of therapy, counseling, social work, and psychology. It is nearly universal, that telling clients what to do specifically is not beneficial. 

9.  Therapists can be wrong. I am often wrong. If I am telling you that you have to do something, then often inevitably I am giving you the wrong advice. You need to decide for yourself if what a therapist is telling you is valid for you.

10.  Okay, time to come clean. Sometimes I do just tell clients what to do. I am imperfect. Due to fatigue, conviction, or if you are really really struggling, then I will break down and say something like ‘if it were me, I would strongly consider doing this.’ Us therapist as humans are imperfect. Sometimes in emergencies it is the best idea to tell you what to do. For instance, if it seems you might be having a heart attack, then I am not going to give you the pros and cons of going to the Emergency Room- I am going to call you an ambulance and insist that you get in it. 

In conclusion, I know it can be annoying and frustrating to take your time to come to therapy and not have your issues instantly resolved in session. Sometimes it seems like therapy is a giant waste of time… and in all honesty (sometimes, not often- but sometimes, it can be)… But, generally speaking- hang in there, and it will pay off. It is slow and gradual process with some periods of rapid growth, many periods of plateaus, and other occasional periods of regression. Over time you should make growth that generalizes to all aspects of life, especially if your therapist is not just telling you what to do, but instead making you work for it.